TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But yes, sure, let's have Yet another location where American Gentlemen can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Anyone a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed Trump Tower Damascus out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the venture, replied, "You understand, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head visible from Area, a function getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, full with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "In case you Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting interest from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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